I got Mo’s ashes back today. I’m not sure this way of dealing with his remains was the right decision for me. It’s not as though I can do anthing about it, but it’s still weighing heavy on my heart. I can barely even grasp that he has “remains”. Frankly, I’m surprised at the level of my grief. I had no idea how hard this would be. But hard it is… as hard as losing any family member or close friend.
I always thought I’d bury my pets. I also always thought I wanted to be cremated. For me, the decision was about taking up space in a box in the ground. If they’d just plant me under an old oak somewhere without the box so my body could be of some use, I’d go for the burying. But, as that’s not really an option, I thought cremation was the way to go. I’m having second thoughts. I hate that I’ve made these decisions about my pet and they feel like practice. That I don’t have a strong belief in something to fall back on.
Burying Mo would have finalized it sooner for me. It would have felt more natural to return him to the earth. It would have been hard to do, but that’s the way life is sometimes. It would have kept things in my control as much as possible. If I’m honest with myself, I think that’s a huge part of the issue. I feel like I gave up the only control I had. That I shirked a responsibility because it was going to be difficult. I took the easy way out and let machinery do the job that nature should have done. I’m having a hard time thinking about it any other way just yet. I hope it’s just the loss hanging over me that’s making me feel this way. Because I really want to feel that I have done right by my friend.
I couldn’t possibly know if making the other choice would have been any better or easier. I really have no choice but to accept what is and accept that I did the best thing I could have and that my heart was in the right place.
Time. That’s what heals broken hearts. That’s what I hear anyway.
I received a sweet card from the veterinary office today. Everyone in the office signed the card with their condolences and they made a donation in Mo’s name to a local program that benefits critically injured pets and pets from families who cannot afford life-saving care. I couldn’t ask for a better vet.
We did ok, Mo. I think we did ok.
A friend “felined” this dog poem for me. I wouldn’t read it without tissue. Honestly.
I laid on your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I purred to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said “it’s me.”
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew …
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over… I smile and watch you yawning
And say “goodnight, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out … then come home to be with me.
~ author unknown
My heartfelt thanks to all of you who shared a piece of your hearts with me this last couple of weeks. ♥
Best Friends Animal Sanctuary
United Animal Nations/Emergency Animal Rescue Service
Pet Loss Support
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